GUERILLA WARFARE: NOW AVAILABLE IN OFFICE
Offensive/Defensive Strategies:
Never be at your desk & have a hideaway. Find somewhere in your office that is not often used or visited to do your work from.
Most issues (i.e. dealing with colleagues, clients/customers, and supervisors) begins by someone stopping by your desk or work area. And yes, they can still message you on Microsoft Teams, but then you go to them. Never let them know where your office-hideout is located.
Use the bathroom non-stop. Say you drink a lot of water or tea or smoke crack. Take all the breaks you need in the stalls. If needed, get HR involved and say you don’t want to discuss your lavatory habits with your manager, Lucinda.
PTO at inopportune times. Find out important dates for your company and take PTO on those days, just to fuck with them.
Questionable Email Sign-Offs [To Confuse & Terrify]
With love, dope, and pizza,
At your uterus/testicles,
SorryNotSorry,
Sending and Bending,
No need to reply/respond,
La Fin,
End scene,
Apathetic regards,
Tharrr She Blows,
Please find Roger,
The British are Cumming,
With aggravated energy,
We're going down!,
There is nothing more to say,
As we find ourselves at the crossroads of Death,
With morbid fears of tomorrow,
Backing dat thang up,
In the end nothing else matters,
Contemplating my ill choices of yesteryear,
With no regard for civility or social mores,
PsyOp Campaigns
Don’t want to quit yet still want to fuck with your colleagues and employer via planned chaos?
Engage in the time-honored tradition of Psychological Operations or PsyOps:
Wear the same exact outfits all the time and if someone comments or questions you about it say, “What? I haven’t worn this in 3 weeks!”
Empty all the K-Cups and re-fill them with sand. Then, subtly accuse various coworkers.
Print out absurd, silly manifesto pages at home and then leave them in copiers around the office to be found later. Include words/phrases like “betwixt” “spontaneous arousal” “melancholy milkshakes” “lectures on bipedal bowel movements” “East Timor” “loquacious”
Randomly rotate and swap personal items off of coworkers desks until issues arise.
Slowly, one by one, steal all of someone’s pens. When all collected, leave them on the victim’s car windshield.
Create emails stating there is gonna be massive layoffs and firings at your company on ___ date. Proceed to leave these phony emails in office printer trays.
Copy the exact words used in an email and slightly change a few, but leave the bulk untouched when someone wants a response that you read their email and understand the contents.
Urinate into opaque bottles then seal them shut for 2 months. Re-open them and leave them in places they will go undiscovered even with the lingering smell.
Always send an over the top, upbeat, and cheerful response to any email that is reprimanding in nature.
Write your colleague’s phone numbers in lavatories, bathroom stalls, and porta potties in 3+ Metropolitan areas. The message shall read, “My ass kneels to your cock, call me: XXX-XXX-XXXX. P.S. I have BOTH.”
Leave random, strange and obscure snacks in the break room. Like Tong Zi Dan.
Fabricate a campaign flier for public office with the picture and information of your boss, manager, or supervisor. Post and leave in random locations such as the bathroom or in the break room freezer.
Post fliers from the “company” stating that employees need to stop shitting in the break room sink.
Always wear your headset so people assume you are in a meeting or on a call at all times.
Create a faux campaign that the television show, Biggest Loser, is coming to your office to whip all the fat butts into shape.
Keep printing out random photos of 90’s teen heart throbs and leave them in the printers to be found later.
Cover the break room table with salt and the spell the word, “No!”
Take fake random phone calls involving zookeeper, acrobatics, and/or limousine drivers. When anyone inquires, you say, “ahhhh it’s a whole thing that I don’t wanna get into right now…”
Engineer everyone’s work numbers to be constantly targeted by spam calls.
Leave occult items scattered in the conference and break rooms.
Put a tiny hole from a push-pin in every other coffee cups.
COOK ALL THE MICROWAVE-FISH. EVERYDAY. MATTER FACT, LEAVE ROTTING FISH GUTS THROUGHOUT THE OFFICE.