Pinball Lizards

Recently, I learned there is a charity that is driving all across the United States to make donations to Children’s Hospitals. I know, so wonderful! What are they donating, you may be asking? Pinball machines. They’re donating pinball machines. OK, where do I begin?

Are those kids requesting that, or are you simply offloading cumbersome pinball machines that no one wants anymore, except a rare minority. No child under 49 years old wants a pinball machine. If you pull up on them lil sick homies with a PS5 and wifi capabilities, they will be exponentially happier. Otherwise, the exchange goes like this when they wheel in that bloated mechanical game:

Pinball Charity: "Hey Kids! Sorry you're sick. Here's something fun for you!"
Sick Kids: “Ohhh. Umm yea, thanks for this Addams Family pinball machine.”

Imagine you’re dying of leukemia. All you want to do is play Call of Duty with your friends online, and this silly fool gives your death-ward of university medical center, a Twilight Zone pinball machine. I’d be incensed and seek to have their organization banned from the hospital for harassment.

Also, it said this “charity” had traveled 1300 miles and donated only TWO pinball machines. Bro, that’s a poor ratio of miles to machines. It is likely it was actually 2 out of 13 attempts, but that won’t look as glamorous to the funders, so they tweak the numbers. 

If you donate anything to Children’s Hospitals, poll and survey the kids!

I know for a fact, they aren’t asking for a pinball machine. Actually, I’m imagining that 63% of the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s requests are for strippers and prostitutes. Yes, they are sick, however, these kids still want to FUCK.

Nobody wants a Star Trek pinball machine, unless you’re at least 72 years old.